Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
