Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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