We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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