Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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