Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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