Pappa wants mamma naked
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
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