If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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