u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Randomize
