a search helicopter?!
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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