wanna go halves on a baby?
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
