I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
