Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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