woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
