I'm jealous of your bromance
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
