Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize