I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Someone came in the potted fern
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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