And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
it hurts more in the daytime
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Randomize
