Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
