Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
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