she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
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