My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
