i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Randomize
