She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
