I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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