You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
My vagina just clenched in fear
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
