Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
