he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
