What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize