You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
