listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
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