I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
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