Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
