the condom got lost in my hair
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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