every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize