You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
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