So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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