shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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