This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
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