Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
