i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
