so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
