i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
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