Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I just want to make out with him forever
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize