I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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