hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
