Just fell off a train. Bad.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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