I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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