Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
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