I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
