was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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