Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
