Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Randomize
