Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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