...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
